Bell Jar,19-20

When Esther meets Irwin, at first she doesn't think anything of it, but after a few cups of bad coffee at the cafeteria, and then she went back to his house, everything changed. She could tell he was successful, and that was when she decided to " seduce him." She had always imagined that her first time would be with someone who was intelligent, which Irwin obviously was if he was a college professor at the age of 26, someone she didn't really know, and someone who was very experienced to make up for the fact that she wasn't experienced at all. Irwin fit all of these standards, so after a few alcoholic beverages, they ended up sleeping together. The reason she felt such a need was because he was the perfect guy, and she was in the perfect situation, so she might as well jump on it. After the experience, she at first couldn't tell if she achieved her mission or not so she didn't feel much, but once she felt the proof that her virginity was actually taken from her, she felt happy that it finally happened to her. She was proud, at first that she had to deal with the problem she had, but once it kept happening, and it got to the point where she had to go to Joan, she was sort of embarrassed, and didn't want to tell Joan what really happened because she was afraid that Joan either wouldn't believe her or would look down upon her.